TOP 3 TIPS FOR DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

Years ago, I mediated a conflict between two partners in a law firm. Peter was ten years senior to Jim. They had worked together as partners for five years and over that period, it had become extremely difficult for them to have a civil conversation about anything.  Once they looked back at their history working together, they identified a root of their conflict. 

The root was anchored in Peter’s exertion of seniority to block Jim’s desire to fire his assistant immediately. Both had good reasons for wanting what they wanted. The assistant had been gone from the firm for at least three years.  It seemed like a disagreement of three years earlier, over how best to manage a subordinate, was still alive and affecting the ability of Peter and Jim to work together. Over the years, Jim’s resentment grew as did Peter’s certainty in his decision and exercise of power. They avoided talking about their feelings and instead empowered them.

Why is it easier for professionals to give clear direction and bad news in the midst of of a time-sensitive, critical emergency than have an open and honest conversation about feelings? The words for conversations to resolve a conflict or misunderstanding between two lawyers, accountants, financial advisors, and consultants, making sense of an uncomfortable situation or finding the right words to say and knowing what do are blocked by emotions.

While some emotions, like excitement and anger can feel energizing and bring clarity, others, like humiliation, embarrassment, guilt and shame can be paralyzing. The latter feel so uncomfortable that they block, what Daniel Kahneman calls System 2 thinking – deliberate, logical, and analytical thinking. Instead, they nudge into play the easily accessible options - acting too quickly and paralysis in an attempt to escape these feelings. The end point is the same - unintended consequences.  

The triggers for difficult conversations that trigger System 2 thinking often involve the readjustment of roles and responsibilities or the resolution of conflicting values.  Succession planning, compensation, or the business model are often a source of agitation.  Conflict and misunderstanding are often consequences.

If you are facing a difficult conversation arising out of conflict or misunderstanding, keep these three tips in mind.

1.     Acknowledge emotions and thoughts.

It’s a mistake to ignore emotions.  Doing so, empowers emotions to cause blocks and missteps and impairs good decision-making. Instead of ignoring emotions, notice the signs – the knots in your stomach, a headache, a racing heartbeat, or an increase or decrease of sensation within your torso or limbs. Then ask yourself questions about what you are feeling. Name the emotion if you can. If not, google emotions to expand your vocabulary and your ability to name emotions. You may have heard the phrase with regard to emotions, “name them to tame them.” The power of emotions over thought processes and decision-making lessens with acknowledgement. Emotions are easier to spot than the hidden narratives and thoughts, but know that unconscious thinking also affects emotions.

What are you telling yourself about the difficult situation and conversation? Expand your self-awareness and expand your options for managing a difficult conversation effectively.

Why do you expect an upcoming difficult conversation to be difficult? What are you expecting to happen during the conversation? What emotions do you expect others to experience? What do you imagine they expect? 

After acknowledging your emotions and thoughts, consider the overall message and specific information you really want to convey and how best to do it, so that it will be heard and processed as you intend. Focus on your main message and a good outcome for the conversation so that collaboration for a solution becomes possible. Be clear about what you want, don’t want, need, expect, or prefer. Know your mind and then you’ll be better able to help others, who can’t read your mind, understand where you need help.  

Noticing isn’t just personal.  It’s about noticing the emotions of others and adjusting what you say and how you say it, to keep the conversation flowing productively. Emotions, just like the content of a conversation, provide important information.

2.     Listen.

When your stress level is too high, you may overlook important information and limit the meaning of what you notice and hidden opportunities.  Instead, slow down.  Take a breath. Do nothing other than listen carefully. Listen for content and emotion. What’s being said and how? It’s easy to assume that you understand another person’s position; however, conflict is often not about different positions as much as it is about emotions, interests, needs, and wants that go unnoticed and unacknowledged. The only way to understand another person is to listen to understand. Asking good, open-ended questions will give you content worth your time and effort to listen carefully.

It’s often easier to engage in a targeted listening.  Listening for information that supports or undermines an existing position is easier than listening to understand what matters most to the person communicating an idea or emotion. Instead, if your goal is to resolve a conflict productively, listen without judgment.  Listen to understand. Assume whatever you hear is true for the person saying it instead of trying to correct what you believe is a misunderstanding. 

If you listen to better understand the other person’s interests and concerns, you may find options to resolve a conflict without damaging relationships.  One of my clients put it this way, “R before T.” Relationship before task.  The team and organization falls apart if relationships are not built and solidified at every opportunities. Without relationships, the tasks that can be completed are extremely limited.

3.     Demonstrate that you care.

Even the best listener and the most astute observer and analyst conveys unintended messages by skipping over the opportunity to demonstrate understanding and compassion.   Digest what you hear and observe and share back your summary. Then, ask if you captured everything the other person wanted you to notice and understand. Include emotional tenor and not just content.

Active listening, empathic listening, or reflective listening all suggest the importance of being aware of the inadvertent messages you send by what you do and say during and after the other communicates. During any conversation, especially one with an element of conflict, the opportunity to convey intentional messages to improve relationships exists. If your goal is to strengthen the bonds of a business or personal relationship, take advantage of all such opportunities.

Demonstrate that you care about the other person by asking open-ended questions. Then, acknowledge their feelings, demonstrate concern, and summarize and paraphrase what you hear and then asking if you understood their meaning.

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Top 3 tips for difficult conversations

By Susan Letterman White

Years ago, I mediated a conflict between two partners in a law firm. Peter was ten years senior to Jim. They had worked together as partners for five years and over that period, it had become extremely difficult for them to have a civil conversation about anything.  Once they looked back at their history working together, they identified a root of their conflict. 

The root was anchored in Peter’s exertion of seniority to block Jim’s desire to fire his assistant immediately. Both had good reasons for wanting what they wanted. The assistant had been gone from the firm for at least three years.  It seemed like a disagreement of three years earlier, over how best to manage a subordinate, was still alive and affecting the ability of Peter and Jim to work together. Over the years, Jim’s resentment grew as did Peter’s certainty in his decision and exercise of power. They avoided talking about their feelings and instead empowered them.

Why is it easier for professionals to give clear direction and bad news in the midst of of a time-sensitive, critical emergency than to have an open and honest conversation about feelings? The words for conversations to resolve a conflict or misunderstanding between two lawyers, accountants, financial advisors, and consultants, making sense of an uncomfortable situation or finding the right words to say and knowing what do are blocked by emotions.

While some emotions, like excitement and anger can feel energizing and bring clarity, others, like humiliation, embarrassment, guilt and shame can be paralyzing. The latter feel so uncomfortable that they block, what Daniel Kahneman calls System 2 thinking – deliberate, logical, and analytical thinking. Instead, they nudge into play the easily accessible options - acting too quickly and paralysis in an attempt to escape these feelings. The end point is the same - unintended consequences.  

The triggers for difficult conversations that trigger System 2 thinking often involve the readjustment of roles and responsibilities or the resolution of conflicting values.  Succession planning, compensation, or the business model are often a source of agitation.  Conflict and misunderstanding are often consequences.

If you are facing a difficult conversation arising out of conflict or misunderstanding, keep these three tips in mind.

1. Acknowledge emotions and thoughts.

It’s a mistake to ignore emotions.  Doing so, empowers emotions to cause blocks and missteps and impairs good decision-making. Instead of ignoring emotions, notice the signs – the knots in your stomach, a headache, a racing heartbeat, or an increase or decrease of sensation within your torso or limbs. Then ask yourself questions about what you are feeling. Name the emotion if you can. If not, google emotions to expand your vocabulary and your ability to name emotions. You may have heard the phrase with regard to emotions, “name them to tame them.” The power of emotions over thought processes and decision-making lessens with acknowledgement. Emotions are easier to spot than the hidden narratives and thoughts, but know that unconscious thinking also affects emotions.

What are you telling yourself about the difficult situation and conversation? Expand your self-awareness and expand your options for managing a difficult conversation effectively.

Why do you expect an upcoming difficult conversation to be difficult? What are you expecting to happen during the conversation? What emotions do you expect others to experience? What do you imagine they expect? 

After acknowledging your emotions and thoughts, consider the overall message and specific information you really want to convey and how best to do it, so that it will be heard and processed as you intend. Focus on your main message and a good outcome for the conversation so that collaboration for a solution becomes possible. Be clear about what you want, don’t want, need, expect, or prefer. Know your mind and then you’ll be better able to help others, who can’t read your mind, understand where you need help.  

Noticing isn’t just personal.  It’s about noticing the emotions of others and adjusting what you say and how you say it, to keep the conversation flowing productively. Emotions, just like the content of a conversation, provide important information.

2. Listen.

When your stress level is too high, you may overlook important information and limit the meaning of what you notice and hidden opportunities.  Instead, slow down. Take a breath. Do nothing other than listen carefully. Listen for content and emotion. What’s being said and how? It’s easy to assume that you understand another person’s position; however, conflict is often not about different positions as much as it is about emotions, interests, needs, and wants that go unnoticed and unacknowledged. The only way to understand another person is to listen to understand. Asking good, open-ended questions will give you content worth your time and effort to listen carefully.

It’s often easier to engage in targeted listening.  Listening for information that supports or undermines an existing position is easier than listening to understand what matters most to the person communicating an idea or emotion. Instead, if your goal is to resolve a conflict productively, listen without judgment.  Listen to understand. Assume whatever you hear is true for the person saying it instead of trying to correct what you believe is a misunderstanding. 

If you listen to better understand the other person’s interests and concerns, you may find options to resolve a conflict without damaging relationships.  One of my clients put it this way, “R before T.” Relationship before task.  The team and organization falls apart if relationships are not built and solidified at every opportunities. Without relationships, the tasks that can be completed are extremely limited.

3. Demonstrate that you care.

Even the best listener and the most astute observer and analyst conveys unintended messages by skipping over the opportunity to demonstrate understanding and compassion.   Digest what you hear and observe and share back your summary. Then, ask if you captured everything the other person wanted you to notice and understand. Include emotional tenor and not just content.

Active listening, empathic listening, or reflective listening all suggest the importance of being aware of the inadvertent messages you send by what you do and say during and after the other communicates. During any conversation, especially one with an element of conflict, the opportunity to convey intentional messages to improve relationships exists. If your goal is to strengthen the bonds of a business or personal relationship, take advantage of all such opportunities.

Demonstrate that you care about the other person by asking open-ended questions. Then, acknowledge their feelings, demonstrate concern, summarize and paraphrase what you hear, and then ask if you understood their meaning.

Contact Us Now!

The Power of the Pause

by Ashley Coleman-Fitch

Take one minute right now to pause– to do nothing for even just ten seconds. 

What did you do with your pause? 

How did it feel? 

How do you feel now on the other side of that pause? 

I recently facilitated a group working to build a more inclusive culture within their organization. As this group of primarily outspoken leaders contemplated how to bring the more reserved members of their teams into important conversations, the topic of silence came up. “We all need to pause,” one participant said, “[but] when I pause, I hear nothing. The silence is killer– not hearing that engagement on the other end.” There were murmurings of agreement. It seemed that the group understood all too well the risks of a lull in the conversation and accordingly, like many of us, had become practiced at avoiding these lulls by filling the space. But what happens, I challenged them, when we allow that silence and embrace it? 

As we discovered through our discussion, four powerful things happen: 

1. We allow ourselves space to think and respond mindfully

2. We create space for others to enter the conversation

3. We listen to the quality of the silence 

4. We breathe… and so does the conversation

Responding Mindfully 

The essence of mindfulness is the practice of pausing to acknowledge the present moment and allowing our whole selves– our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual selves– to show up in a space. When we are more attuned to the world around us, we begin fostering cultures of inclusion in diverse settings. Some experts argue that cultivating mindfulness is the most important step in developing intercultural competence, the individual precursor to developing cultures of inclusion.  Cultural competence expert Stella Ting-Toomey suggests that we must not only pay attention to ourselves– to our assumptions, to our internal dialogue, and to our emotional reactions– but also to others, “becoming exquisitely attuned to the other's communication assumptions, cognitions, and emotions.” (1) We begin to see more, to listen better, and to take in each interaction with the whole of ourselves, approaching the unfamiliar with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment and intractability. “To be mindful of intercultural conflict differences, we have to leam to see the unfamiliar behavior from multiple cultural angles.” 

The Buddist monk, spiritual leader, and peace activist  Thich Nhat Hanh writes, “Whenever we feel carried away, sunk into a deep emotion, or caught in thoughts about the past or future, we can return to our breathing to collect and anchor our mind.” (2) Nhat Hanh invites us to pause, to breathe, and to gather ourselves before moving forward– to become present and take ownership over our response. In this way, we give ourselves time to digest the present moment– what happened, as well as our emotional response– before responding, resulting in fewer gaffes and missteps in the conversation. Additionally, this practice allows each of us a moment to check our implicit biases and blind spots, consider the perspective we are speaking from, and purposefully attune our response to our particular audience to ensure that all aspects of our message– verbal and non-verbal– are heard and received by our intended audience, thereby also decreasing the likelihood that we might unintentionally offend someone we are attempting to connect with. Maybe it sounds like a lot of work, but it’s the work we need to do to connect better and be more whole and human, which feel like worthy goals. 

In addition to encouraging your full, authentic self to be present and helping you check your assumptions, biases, and blind spots before putting your foot in it, pausing to become more mindful does one other thing almost by accident: It makes you a more powerful, eloquent orator.

 As a facilitator, my role is to guide the conversation– to highlight pivotal ideas and help my participants get past blockages to dive deep into the subject. It can be tempting to talk, but after years of facilitating, I know that mine is the least important voice in the conversation. Truth and solutions are most powerful when people discover them themselves, so my goal is to talk as little as possible, keeping the spotlight on the most important people in the room– the people doing the work. It took me time to appreciate the value of saying less and even more time to learn to use silence as emphasis, highlighting the key part of my message. Embracing silence made me choose my words more intentionally, making my message more powerful and resonating in the silence that followed. It took me even more time to skillfully leverage silence to encourage my participants to become fully engaged and invested, allowing me to step back into the role of coach and guide. That is the power of the pause– its stillness acts as a catalyst for creativity and an invitation towards action and engagement. It invites flow– authentic energy exchange.  

An Invitation to Enter

“I grew up in a big family. If I didn’t talk over people, I’d never be heard.” one participant commented. There was lots of nodding and noises of assent around the table. 

Someone else offered, “I grew up in a family where it was not ok to interrupt someone who was speaking. It was deeply ingrained in me:  Wait your turn to speak… or else,” she finished laughing. 

The dichotomy of these two statements illustrates several important things for leaders to remember as they work to facilitate inclusive discussions: The deeply ingrained patterns that may never be articulated but show up in every exchange we engage in, the differences in communication styles, and, as a leader and facilitator, the necessity of attending to all of these different styles and carving out space for each of them in the space.  

Just as people enter a space differently– some strike up a conversation before they’ve even entered a room while others take a lap, mapping out the lay of the land before settling in while still others need to nest first– people enter conversations differently as well. Some dive right in, always the first to speak; others wait to be invited. As a leader and facilitator, it is important to be mindful of these different styles and leverage silence as a tool to level the playing field. 

A purposeful pause is an invitation. It allows your audience– learners, attendees, participants, peers, etcetera– space in the discussion to breathe, to digest your message, and to formulate their own mindful response. People are allowed to respond to what you have said silently, reflecting on both your message and their reaction before feeling pressured to respond back. 

Listening to the Silence

Have you ever gone out in the middle of a snowstorm and listened to the snow fall? There is nothing more emblematic of a peaceful moment than listening to the whisper of those tiny flakes shushing themselves into tiny piles. The world is muted, and for a moment, it’s easy to get lost in the stillness and the magic of the moment. 

But why is that moment so magical? What is it about snow that transports us and invites us to simultaneously get lost and be present? Its visual qualities aside– striking as they may be– part of snow’s magic is its ability to mute the world– to impose silence and stillness on a world that is constantly moving. And in that silence we find peace. 

Most of us are aware, at least peripherally, that every silence has its own quality: some silences are pregnant, full of anxiety and anticipation; others are tense, holding all of the unnamed feelings in the space; others feel dead, devoid of life or engagement; while still others can signal contentment and mutual understanding, a freeing from the usual din of small talk to be replaced by amiable presence with another. 

As facilitators, we are often so afraid of those uncomfortable silences, or worse yet, those dead silences that likely indicate that we have lost our audience, so instead, we fill the silences with our own noise. In doing so, we miss one of the richest sources of information that could tell us not only how our message is being received but who is receiving it and how. When we actually pause to listen to the silence, it speaks volumes. Armed with this new information, we can then better adapt our next steps to respond more effectively and guide the group toward the desired goal.   

Breathe

A pause in a conversation is like the blank space between paintings in a museum or gallery– it gives the mind space to rest, digest, and reflect before moving on to the next. It invites each of us– and the conversation– to breathe, to take in all of the nuance and complication embedded in our messaging, and to respond thoughtfully, as our whole authentic selves. 

Pausing to breathe, to contemplate, to respond makes us more effective communicators. It makes our message more powerful and leaves room for us to become more generous and compassionate listeners. This might be the most important skill in both understanding others and making them feel heard and valued, thus fostering community development based on authentic inclusion and belonging. 

Viktor Frankl once said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space…In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response, lies our growth and our freedom.” Create space to nurture your growth. Pause. 

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