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1. EFFECTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

STRATEGIC COMMUNICATION 101: EFFECTIVE LISTENING SKILLS

   As lawyers, we have developed a type of listening skill, which is an extremely effective tool for supporting our goal of effectively advocating a particular position.  This type of listening is targeted listening.  It is constantly judging the speaker’s words against a legal standard and directing the conversation to follow a particular path.

Targeted listening is in sharp contrast to the type of listening skill that is valuable when your partner or associate is feeling as though he or she has been treated unfairly or when you need to mediate a serious interpersonal conflict.  This second type of listening skill is empathic listening. The psychologist Carl Rogers gets credit for recognizing its value and creating a model. Empathy is a two-part skill. First, it is the capacity, figuratively speaking, to stand in the shoes of another, whose life experiences have been very different.  Second, it is the ability to understand that person’s view without any judgment.

Empathic listening is a foundational skill in every leadership responsibility from creating and getting buy-in for a strategic vision and implementation plan to business development. The purpose of this article is to explain the steps involved in empathic listening so that you can begin to practice this critical skill in your law firm.

When you are talking with a partner, associate, or staff member, who is in an emotional state, that person is feeling tremendous pressure, “like the buildup of pressure behind the closed locks” of the Panama Canal, as Gregorio Billikopf Encina of the University of California explains at http://www.cnr.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/7article/listening_skills.htm. Before attempts to solve the problem underlying this emotional state have any chance of being effective, you need to help the person release the pressure so that the he or she feels heard. The process for empathic listening is a three-step process: (1) attentive listening, (2) asking effective diagnostic questions, and (3) offering a solution.  Lawyers, as a group, tend to skip the first two steps and jump to the third and then advocate for why their solution is the right one. This article offers ideas for improving the first two steps.

Attentive Listening

One of the hardest skills for a lawyer is to stay in the attentive listening phase for a sufficient amount of time.  We have a tendency to shift inadvertently to targeted listening and offer a solution or sympathy, share a story of how we faced a similar challenge, or sit quietly so that the other person will quickly finish talking. Each reflects impatience, which appears in body language. The tendency becomes even stronger when we are worried about time.  Listening takes time and time is money for lawyers. The hidden mindset or underlying belief is that time spent other than billing clients or directly connected to bringing in new work is a waste of a lawyer’s time.

The key to listening is to allow people to think through their problems openly and allow them to try to solve it on their own, while you acknowledge their feelings. Empathic listening motivates the speaker to share his or her experience without feeling judged, interrupted, or as if the conversation is being directed by the listener.

If your partner tells you that she was not consulted before an important decision was made, you should assume that he is feeling frustrated, ignored, without real power, angry, and other negative feelings.  A good response would be to say what you are hearing.  For example, you might say, “You sound angry and frustrated for being excluded from the process.”  This will allow your partner to continue talking and feel as though she is being heard.  It is very important to allow a person to speak and feel heard before sharing a similar experience or advice.

Similarly, if your partner tells you that when she says something she is ignored, but when a male partner says the same thing, his comment is acknowledged, the way you respond will create or eliminate the possibility of finding a solution.  If you respond by asking her how that makes her feel, you open up the possibility for her to explain the effect it has on her and tells her that you value her as your partner.  If you either explain why her perception is incorrect or offer her a solution of what to do the next time, she will feel criticized and de-statused, because you have implicitly challenged the competence she displayed in the situation.

Effective Diagnostic Questions, Statements, and Gestures

    As lawyers, we assume that because we are experienced writers of interrogatories, deposition-takers, and direct and cross-examiners in a courtroom, we are excellent information-gatherers and diagnosticians in all interpersonal relationships.  Our keenly developed targeted listening skill makes us less effective. Effective diagnostic actions for the types of interpersonal conflicts that arise in law firm management include questions, comments, and body language. Effective questions are open-ended, analytical, and invitations for the person to say more.  Effective comments are those that show empathy and understanding. Effective body language shows interest in the other person.

    The underlying theme is that good listeners are inquisitive listeners, who assume that they need more information from the speaker before they can truly understand the meaning of an action, event, or word in the same way that the speaker does. Examples of good investigative questions ask what the speaker would like to do, what outcome he or she would like, what efforts have been made to get that outcome, what is really bothering the speaker, how he or she is feeling, what else the speaker can say about the situation, and what options the speaker sees. Good comments summarize the speaker’s words and feelings and show an understanding that those feelings are possible. Effective body language includes genuine warmth, a smile and softer voice, leaning toward the speaker, and physical touch, if appropriate. Ineffective body language conveys boredom, distraction, and judgment.

    There are additional techniques that will help the speaker share more with you.  These include the use of dangling questions, such as, “When you make a point at a partner’s meeting…?” Another technique is to directly ask the person to tell you more or acknowledge that what he or she has said is interesting to you. Yet, another effective technique is to repeat a phrase or key word used by the speaker. Finally, respecting the speaker’s pauses, without jumping in to eliminate the silence, is a very helpful signal of interest in the speaker’s situation.

Conflicts with your Values

    Perhaps the most difficult skill for a lawyer is learning why and how to suspend judgment.  This is the opposite of what we do as lawyers.  We generally are paid to take a side and argue a position. Also, we generally feel frustrated when the speaker seems blind to common sense.

The reason to suspend judgment is that the outcome usually is more beneficial in the long run.  People need to feel heard and research has shown us that the human mind prefers to solve its own problems when it comes to changing behavior. Once you have truly listened, you can always share your concerns from your perspective. Suspending judgment is a skill that is will be developed through practice.

SusanLettermanWhite@gmail.com   610.331.2539